okay i havent been on here in A WHILE but this is the only place that i know only few people can find me. and i just have to let it all out. IM SO FRUSTRATED!! how in the world am i supposed to know if im in love with someone? i know they say you just “know” but what in the world does that mean? does that mean that i cant go a second without thinking about him? or that i cant sleep without him? or when i watch couples on tv i imagine that being us? because i can say i used to do that. but now, now im in school. now i have 4 jobs and other things to worry about. i am up by 630 every morning and doing stuff until i go to sleep at 1030 at the EARLIEST. and yes some of that does involve him, WHEN I HAVE TIME. i make the rules, i set the time because he only works 2 days a week and doesnt go to school. so that means if i have time then we can hang out and that doesnt always sit so well with him. and then if im stressed, which happens quite often, especially last week with midterms and all, it was a constant nag-are you crabby today, what about now, are you doing okay, wow im surprised your actually in a good mood. like leave it alone. if im coming to hang out with you obviously i made time to come see you, dont ask if im sure i want to or if im crabby because you know what thats going to do? make me crabby so STFU! for real. just be happy that you get to see me and leave it at that. or we dont do certain things enough. seriously? sorry thats no what i want my whole relationship to be based on. the worst thing about this is that weve been through absolute hell to get to the place were at, and ive always been the one to say that if we could make it through all of that then that obviously means something but now i think all it did was make me realize that i can do without, i dont need to be fighting all the time. OH ANDDDDD im moving soon, like next year and a half, but thats soon for me. and when i tell him about how excited i am about it, hes PISSSSSSSEDDDD because i didnt instantly ask him to come with. well you know what maybe that really wasnt in my thought process, my  thought process is that im so excited to go and get my schooling done and start doing the things i want with my career that no one else was really on my mind and that also means i have to figure out a way to pay for it and get all my credits in in the next year and a half and get all that paid for and its just a mess… like why cant you ever just be proud of me, happy for me? oh and is it tooo much to ask to tell me im pretty, or that i look nice when i dress up. dont do it because i say that i feel fat that day or because of something stupid, do it when you see me, like your so taken aback by the fact that the person your dating looks like that right now and you want to make sure i know it. yes i still catch myself staring at him when he walks into places, and smiling when he does things, like sing country songs, or smoke cigarettes (yes i know, how can you smile at that? because he looks like a effing bad ass doing it and it makes him WAY more attractive. i cant help it, get off my case!) 

so now with all the ranting and venting which probably doesnt even make a whole lot of sense—-it was like free writing kinda… once i started i couldnt stop!—-

what do i do? my mom tells me that this is exactly how some of her relationships went, and do i really want to tell myself this is as good as it gets? and settle? i want to be over the moon happy. crying when i leave him because i cant stand to be away from him, ready to move in with him, know that if he got down on one knee right now id say yes. And yes, i do light up when i talk about him, but only if were not fighting that day. or when i look at facebook i realize how many girls he talks to on a public site, what is he doing on his phone or when im not around at a party or something. like thats said, i shouldnt have to worry about that. 

so with all of that said, i still dont have a clue what im going to do. do i want to be with him or not? do i love him or am i IN LOVE with him? at one point i seriously thought he was the love of my life, and now with all of this.. i cant say that anymore. i guess we’ll see come saturday when i make my last and final decision. too bad thats his birthday.