How do you tell someone that you care about so tremendously that they don’t know everything about you? What if they could have known it all, but you were too scared to tell them to begin with? What if the truth of it , isn’t the whole story? What if the whole story doesn’t even make a difference? Does me not telling at the start make me a liar? And if so, then what? What if there has already been a time they thought you lied and it was almost the breaking point? How do you tell someone, that someone in your past ruined your life? And what if when the fact of the matter comes out, you start crying? Do tears even matter at the point? What if they just don’t how or when or why it happened, it just did, and you lied? But then again, what happens if they just don’t care? That would be best case. But best case rarely happens. What happens if its worst case? And either one, someone I trust with my whole life knows everything about me then, and never wants to talk to me again. And there is that chance that my business will be out in the open. For real this time. If it comes straight from the persons mouth there is no turning back then.
I have been thinking about this for over 24 hours now. I couldn’t sleep last night. I can’t read a book because it keeps popping in my head. I’m so scared it hurts. I could loose this person forever. Am I willing to do that because of some stupid thing. But then again, in the long run, its not all that stupid. It’s my life. I can’t change it now, someone did that for me years ago.
So, going back to the how. How do I make this feeling stop? Do I just spill my guts and see where it gets me? Or, do I hide it longer? Either way nothing is really looking good at this point. And if I do spill, what am I supposed to even say? “So, I lied. This is what happened, and I’ll understand if you leave but I just needed to tell you. And I hope this means enough that you won’t leave, but if you do I also hope that I meant enough to you that you wouldn’t share my business with everyone?” Even when I re-read that all I can see is the word LEAVE. I’m not ready for that yet. But I guess maybe if they do leave, it wasn’t meant to be.
I’m super excited for you! I’ve been waiting very patiently for you to finally decide to go back :) and I’m so happy you finally did. I’m very proud of you and I feel like I don’t tell you that enough. or that anyone tells your that enough for that matter. But I really am. I’m proud of the decisions you’ve made lately and the path you’re on now.
No matter what happens today, nothing is going to change the mood this text put me in. Nothing is going to stop me now, nothing is going to hold me down.
Because its my birthday tomorrow (yeahhh happy 22nd to me :( ) I’m going to make a few changes…
Number one-be one time. To work, to events, to whatever.
Number two-get enough sleep. That’s reason one on as to why I’m late.
Number three-take all my vitamins. Daily, C, cranberry pill. Plus all my dietary supplements.
Number four-workout. At least 4 times a week. Its going to be hard with my schedule but I have to.
Number five-eat better. I’m not saying no fast food but it needs to be every once in a while…
And last but not least——
Number six-find myself. Find what I want to do with my life. Find someone who loves me for that and be happy.
What to do? What to do?
Actually let’s rewind, I want to officially announce that I am over the last guy I was with. Done. Over. In the past. The only emotion I have left is scared. I can’t even leave my house without looking over my shoulder. But knowing that I have a huge support system helps that.
Okay, so now that I can do whatever I want, with who ever I want, what am I supposed to do. Relationships don’t just show up on your door step. And the fact of the matter is, a lot of people I know, and am friends with, my ex knows too. So how do I get past all that?
Whatever. I’m probably moving too fast. Things will help in due time. I need to stop thinking everything needs to happen in a certain time.
This is not where I thought this was going, but maybe I needed to get myself here.
Number 1-i want my computer back. Or a new computer. A mac preferably.
Number 2-i miss my mom and I miss someone else. Its not even that I know who the someone else is. Its just the fact that I hate being alone on days like this. Its awesome outside, I don’t have to work all day, and I’m home alone.
Number 3-my phone is being a pos and its driving me nuts. Maybe I should get an iphone and be completely apple based.
Number 4-has anyone stopped to think how different your life would be if you took a different path? Such as, what would be different in my life if instead of being a dancer I was a gymnast? Would I still know the same people? Would I have gotten in the same spats with my parents? Would I have dated the same people? Or would we even be living in norfolk anymore, if I would have been good at it….
I know there’s no sense in looking back because its over and all we can do is look to the future. But its still kind weird to sit (or lay) here and wonder. Especially while I have 100 other things on my mind.
So I’m here, trying to figure this out. Why is my thing called “untitled”? I don’t like it.
Also, how do you make someone just go away? I understand you can delete and block on facebook and block text and calls, but that just makes them unable to reach you. Not unable to find or the slim chance of running into.
Still scared to be alone. Thank god for my big red family thatd back me up if he ever came here…
Tonight I feel like I should thank you for multiple (important) things.
One, my family and friends. I wouldn’t be anywhere without them.
Two, all the trials you have put me through, I truly appreciate. Thank you for giving me the strength to go through them all, not always with grace, but getting through them is enough, especially with your help. I also thank you for believing in my enough to put me in those situations and rise to the occasion.
In the end, I want to thank you for life in itself. This gift you have given me is so precious and not to be taken lightly. I am excited to go through it with you and find my calling, whatever that may be.
To sum up, thank you. That is all, thank you.
In you name I pray.